Everything we know is learned; all of our habits good or bad. A huge percentage of our actions and beliefs were influenced from our parents. Ever sat down after saying something and realized that it was exactly the same as your mom or dad used to? Admit it or not everyone has. Most of our individual traits come from our parents and a mixture of what the social world has taught us. School, experiences and of course the media combined with our parents influence explains what we believe we deserve and what we believe we can achieve.
Personally I have had an abnormal life but then again who has not. Every life is different and there really is no such thing as normal just an average range of people and what they believe is acceptable. We all have insecurities and doubts that is normal; no one is flawless.
With out reading on any further please accept the following things:
I am not writing this for any emotion from you what so ever please save your pity, sympathy, compassion, and anything else that you could possibly feel for the next person you welcome into your life. I am writing this as a way to try and inspire you to question your beliefs and views of the world.
Let me see some of the things that happened while I was growing up that definitely should have fucked me right up. My parents were always fighting and I remember that to the point of no return when I turned six my mom ran away. Now at this time I had no idea where my mom had gone or why all I knew was I wanted my mom. Soon after this things became a lot worse my alcohol abusing father pushed it to the next level.
It was an average night and I had not seen my mom in what felt like years so I snuck into my little brother's room to hang out with someone. I woke him up he was three at the time; we were having a ball giggling as I tickled him. After a while he grew tired of me I had woken him up from his sleep and so he started bawling when I did not leave him to rest. Much to my dismay this woke my dad up.
He stormed into the room yelling "What the fuck is going on here; I am trying to sleep" to which I replied in a sad voice " I am sorry just just wanted to play with my my brother" as I shook in fear. He grabbed me by the ear and while dragging me with one hand smacked the living shit out of me. I remember trying to run off so that he could not hurt me and then he would just throw a bottle at my head. After I had bled for long enough and had promised to say that "I got stung by a bee" I was thrown into my bed and left in peace.
When I woke up the next day I did not even notice that I was covered in bruises; I was just happy my brother was not harmed in any way. I grabbed my stuff and went running off to school as quickly as possible. Confused and unsure of why everything was happening I wanted to get away and hoped that school would help liberate me. It did not; ten minutes in and I was sent to the principals office; where first she asked me to explain what had happened to me.
"I was stung by a bee and had an allergic reaction" was my exact response and I totally thought she bought it when I was sent back to class.
Ten minutes later.....
I have been called down to the office again but this time when I walk into the principal's station not only is she there but two policemen as well. I repeated my statement over and over again to the policeman whom obviously did not believe me. After about two hours of this though they stopped pushing it realizing that I would not fold. Still to this day I am unsure if I did this to protect and help my father or out of the fear that he had instilled in me as a young child.
Now I could go on sharing thousands of stories like this but I do not wish to make you read all of that and I would like to get to the main point so the following are other important pieces that happened to help you fully understand what I am trying to explain.
Probably three years later my grandparents (Saints by the way, the most amazing two people ever) took my brother and I in. This was a much better living situation than prior but added a new element that I had not seen yet. I was completely different from every other kid; I lived with my grandparents. And due to this had much different rules, expectations and definitely interactions.
My mother ended up being an addict as well but to a prescribed medication known as morphine; a opium( same plant as used for heroin) extraction pain killer.
A few other quotes to expand more
" You know what I should have done I should have burned you when you came out of your dumb mother's cunt"
" Come here you little fuck I will put you down like the dog that you are! NOW come here you piece of shit"
Now from the above hopefully you can see that I should be one of those low self-esteem; un-confident scared types; definitely not the case. I believe I am one of the most content people on this planet especially when it comes to who I am and what I believe in.
Why...................................?
I went through a lot. So have you and anyother person in this life and that is why I began searching for answers and I realized that my parents actions were influenced by everyone else. And so they did the best they could with what they were taught. I had to choices hate them forever or say thank you for trying and decide to do better for my self.
And that is what I did; I started writing down everything that I thought I believed in or valued and then went looking to others for their belief and value systems. From here I was able to confront my thoughts with other ideologies and thought processes until mine were completely secure. Now this was not a daily procedure as every time you think you have it right something new gets thrown into the mix and makes you double check everything that you have compiled thus far. Especially due to the fact that it is never ending everday more people have new ideas and thoughts on how a person should be but the truth of the matter is this is a good thing. With out the confrontation of thoughts, ideologies; methodologies; and philosophy of your life your true belief and value system will never be in control.
And so I ask you to question everything you know double check it and make sure that you have valid reason for keeping the pieces that you hold dear to your self; leading you to confidence in your own personal mind. So that one day you may be as happy as I.
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